[Reading] ➵ Artemis Fowl ➼ Eoin Colfer – Uroturk.info
SPOILER FREE review if you will not open the spoiler tags How does one describe Artemis Fowl Various psychiatrists have tried and failedWORLD BUILDING All the fairies, elves, dwarves, goblins, trolls live in the underground world This world has its own technology which is beyond our comprehension and have their own laws CHARACTERS Artemis Fowlof courseDoesn t this name sounds Awesome No need to say, he is a super genius criminal You know how old he is Just 12 YEARS Doesn t it sound odd An adolescent, with such intelligence who is devoted to crime But that s what makes this book different in my opinion.I loved him I loved how he is written I loved his every move I loved his thinking OMG what should I say that I loved him sooo much Probably my most favourite male protagonist I have ever read Butler His bodyguard He is the most trusted and faithful guy of Artemis Fowl And also his partner in crime Loved him also Holly Short She is an elf and a captain in LEP police in the underground World Foaly A centaur He is an inventor Almost the underground police uses his weapons and thinking.He is written as a wise character But sometimes he got on my nerves view spoiler Sometimes he prolonged the dialogues Without any reason Just for fun hide spoiler Want to meet the guy who s smart enough to take over the world Well he s twelve years old And his name is Artemis Fowl I have two words for this book GREAT FUN If you are at all young at heart or you just want to read something different from your usual fare, then check out this book Artemis will keep you entertained with his hijinks At the age of 12, Artemis is keeping his family afloat as they suffer from grief at the disappearance of Artemis Fowl, Sr, his father His mother has retreated into delusions and barely leaves her room The family is on the brink of bankruptcy, but not for long, if Artemis has anything to do with it Assisted by his faithful bodyguard, a very large, deadly, intimidating man would do anything for him, Artemis decides to steal his very own fairy to hold for ransom his very own pot of gold He doesn t realize that Holly is just as dangerous as he is.When LEPrecon Lower Elements Police reconnaisance , the covert Fairy organization policing the faery creatures that have retreated underground to get away from humans, comes looking for Holly, he has to fight off a siege on his house of supernatural creatures such as a troll don t want to be in their way , a dwarf with flatulence from ingesting rocks and soil when he burrows his way through the earth, and a centaur genius who is LEPrecon s equivalent to MI6 s Q, and a whole slew of highly trained deadly fairies I picked this book up on a lark, looking for something different to read And boy was I rewarded This book will make you laugh and keep you enthralled for hours Although this is perfectly suitable for a young teen or a pre teen, it s also sophisticated for an adult to enjoy, and a must read for lovers of Faery. Twelve Year Old Artemis Fowl Is A Millionaire, A Genius And, Above All, A Criminal Mastermind But Even Artemis Doesn T Know What He S Taken On When He Kidnaps A Fairy, Captain Holly Short Of The LEPrecon Unit These Aren T The Fairies Of Bedtime Stories They Re Dangerous Full Of Unexpected Twists And Turns, Artemis Fowl Is A Riveting, Magical Adventure Colfer has described this series as Die Hard, with fairies , which is a reference to an old Hollywood joke After the phenomenal success of that movie, a lot of writers started pitching their scripts as Die Hard, with blank , such as Speed Die Hard on a Bus , or Air Force One Die Hard, on Air Force One , or, as the joke goes, the unfortunate who wanted to make Die Hard, in a building.If you have actually seen Die Hard, you might recall Hans Gruber, the wealthy, cunning, erudite, European villain played by Alan Not Just Snape Rickman But in this book, the European criminal is the main character, suggesting Colfer views the movie in the same light as Barney Stinson of How I Met Your MotherHans Gruber Charming international bandit In the end, he dies hard He s the title character So, already, we have some interesting choices going on, but many s the good idea buried by poor execution.In some ways, telling a good story is like telling an effective lie you have to know your limits Like the old writer s adage from Faulker you ve got to kill your darlings Those overly clever ideas and indulgences have to go, if they don t fit, which they usually don t If an author gives in to the urge over explain or get too fancy, he s going to trip himself up, and Colfer often does He throws around a lot of terminology, trying to seem knowledgeable to lend credibility to his little fantasy story, but he usually gets it wrong.He talks about an impact hitting with a ton of G force , which is nonsense G Force already has a built in unit of measurement, which is Gs , not mass The process of acceleration can be described in mass, but it would have to be compared to the acceleration of gravity on Earth, or Gs , which Colfer fails to do It would be like describing the speed of a car as fourteen feet.He also describes a character as rocketing down a hallway at Mach 1, which is the speed of sound 768 mph Moving at this speed for a tenth of a second the amount of time it takes for our brain to react enough to blink a person would travel 112 , than the length of the hallway described Yet he still has his character looking back, adjusting his visor, and fretting about whether he will make it through the door Not to mention that someone accelerating to Mach 1 within the length of such a hallway would squash them like a bug at 350 Gs.He also describes a seasoned bodyguard who refers to the spin kick as pointless and flashy While jumping spinning kicks may fall into this category, a simple spinning back kick is both an effective and basic tool for a martial artist, and one which is often used in competition in many full contact disciplines.Early in the book, he goes to great lengths to describe the computer translation of an unknown language The entire process is extremely simplified, which is fine, but then, when the translation comes out, not only is it grammatically perfect, it s all in rhyming couplets I always feel frustrated by authors who see the Young Adult label as an excuse to write a thoughtless, cliche book full of simple mistakes I don t think giving kids badly researched misinformation is going to turn them into better readers.And these are all details that could have been easily glossed over Anyone who knew what the terms meant would have seen they were wrong, and anyone who didn t know them would find them meaningless One of the benefits of writing Science Fiction or Fantasy is not having to explain yourself, not having to be an expert in everything you talk about You can just wave your hand and give some mumbo jumbo and that s fine, we can suspend our disbelief as long as your story s good.Which is why, when an author writing a fantastical story tries to inject realism, it s important for them to know what they are talking about, otherwise, they ll just make themselves look foolish for no good reason Instead of leaving well enough alone, Colfer tried to come off as well informed and technical, and failed miserably A good author doesn t telegraph their ineptitude, they hide it but that means a good author must be aware of their limits.He also goes on a rather condescending diatribe about how Ireland is the most magical place, and Irish mythology is superior to all other myths, because Ireland is the birthplace of all magic Not only is this a rather insensitive view, it s also short sighted, since the book is full of myths which have their basis not in Ireland, but in Scandinavia dwarves, elves, and trolls The original people of Ireland were short and dark haired, with their own complex mythologies All the redheads of Ireland are descendants of Scandinavian invaders, who brought their myths with them.But even after this bit of out of place nationalism, Colfer never actually ends up using any Irish myth in the story It s all very generic stuff Except for a few place names, there is nothing uniquely Irish here His depictions of fairy creatures do not demonstrate any Gaelic origin indeed, the only thing mythic about them are their names and pointed ears.I m not saying Colfer should be tied to old traditions, or that he shouldn t create his own versions of myth, but it hardly makes sense for him to go on and on about the greatness of Irish magic if he s not going to bother actually using any of it The statement is also incongruous with the fact that his protagonist is named after a character of Greek myth and a female one, at that, but my annoyance with the misappropriation of the name Artemis is my own onus to bear.There s also some eco propaganda, mainly in the form of attacking human beings for ruining everything, which once again, is condescending, over simplified, and adds nothing to the book.The characters are unremarkable, just clich s taken from buddy cop movies and played straight no surprising depth, no twists, no masterful strokes of characterization, just what you d expect from a techno spy thriller Which is somewhat unusual, since this is nominally a fantastical book, but the fantasy elements are rarely touched upon Mostly, the fairies operate with military commando squads and superior technology There is nothing particularly magical about them.When magic is used, it tends to be either to be a simple solution to patch over plot conflicts, or a macguffin to cause conflicts in the first place As I ve mentioned before, using a magic as a systematic problem solver tends to make it feel a lot less magical and a lot like an author s crutch This is especially apparent when the magic is portrayed aside equally fantastical technologies that serve roughly the same purpose.If an author is going to use a lot of convenient bits of magic and technology so they don t have to think much about the plot, I m going to expect them to provide some sparkling, unusual characters If they act stupidly or out of character in order to move the plot move along conveniently, then that plot should at least be exciting and unpredictable Colfer s plot is standard We do get the villain s point of view often than in many stories, but that just reminds us how Fowl has little depth than a James Bond villain.And if I get convenient plot solving, clich characters, and a standard story, I need something else to make it worth reading I had heard that, in this book, the special element was supposed to be humor, but I did not find this book humorous in any way I m not saying that it tried to be funny and failed, I m not saying it was full of bad jokes which I rolled my eyes at This book did not even attempt to be funny There was no clever observation, and nothing surprising Without the ability to surprise you, no author will be able to deliver any humor.There is a quite long series of repeated descriptions of a dwarf pooping rock explosively, but this was not presented in a humorous or surprising way, it was rather matter of fact, but not wry enough to qualify as deadpan The entire book is suffused with a tone of irreverence, but the tone never achieves anything There are no moments of punctuation where the irreverence boils over, it is just a constant, even presence in every scene, description, and bit of dialogue.It rather reminds me of a common problem of fan fic authors instead of being funny, or exciting, or having interesting characters, or surprising plot twists, they will instead imply that they are doing those things through character reactions and overstated narration Colfer constantly implies that eventually, he will just pop out and Bam Be funny but luckily, it proves to be an empty threat The problem is, if you spend all your time promising to be funny or exciting, it just makes it clear that you aren t actually delivering on that promise It was easy to see what Colfer wanted this book to be or delusionally, thought it was , but it was also to see how often and predictably it failed The cover is also ugly and cheap, and I came across some errors in the text, but I won t blame those on the author.All in all a straightforward, cliche little story It s a fast read and not insultingly bad, just poorly structured, predictable, and forgettable There are some promising concepts there, but they all end up buried under pointless asides, misused jargon, and the constant promises of an interesting story that never arrives And as I wrote this review, I discovered something disturbing Colfer has been hired to continue the Hitchhiker s Guide series I find this terribly confusing Douglas Adams was one of the most insightful, clever, unpredictable, philosophically sound, satirically acerbic, and all around nice guy writers that I have ever read Yet here is Colfer in no regard funny, with no insights to give, characters unremarkable, dialogue predictable, plot convenient, philosophical outlook insulting, unable to capitalize on an interesting concept, and enough of a self absorbed jerk that he ruins even simple stories by trying to impress people with references to things he knows nothing about.Mr Gaiman,I know you are a Goodreads author, and one of Adams fondest fans, so I must ask you how could you let this happen to me If there is anyone who should be continuing Adam s series, it s Stewart Lee and if there were any two people who should continue it, it s two Stewart Lees But you are also a great and talented author, and surprisingly enough, capable of being tremendously funny No one appreciates than I do the subtle and shocking wit of not writing a very funny book until six novels in, but I love the swerve of building up a career as a serious minded, somewhat disturbing author of heavily allusive horror and then suddenly kicking out something really funny.But I m losing my train of thought Dear Mr Gaiman, this year for Christmas, please use your magical authorial powers to remove Mr Colfer from any relation to Mr Adams lovely work If he wants to write his own dull crime fiction with some fairies thrown in to snag people who are waiting for better fantasy books to be published, that s his business, but the thought that someone would allow him to besmirch one of the great sci fi series of all time makes me want to snatch him up along with L Sprague deCamp and August Derleth and make them all live in a world like the ones they created a world which is a pale shadow of what it should be, where every conversation is stilted, every person dull, every jest flaccid where fire is merely lukewarm, spattered blood pepto pink, sunsets an overwrought cacophony by Thomas Kincaid, where food is ash in your mouth, where every story starts in a white room , and where loving a beautiful woman just feels like clutching your own calloused hand in the dark as you play out the long faded fantasies of a false nostalgic youth.My List of Suggested Fantasy Books Artemis Fowl Artemis Fowl, Book 1By Eoin ColferNarrated By Nathaniel ParkerI borrowed this book from the library I figured everyone in the world has read this but me and thought I would catch up What a hoot Loved it I don t know what I thought it was going to be but I didn t expect a 12 year old genius villain My goodness, I thought it was great The fairies, dwarves, trolls, and the silly things that happen, I giggled so much It was so silly I can see why kids love this book I am definitely going to read If my grandkids haven t read these I am going to tell them about it Funny The narrator was wonderful with all the variety of voices from the fairy girls to dwarves Each different and interesting, wonderful job Artemis Fowl Artemis Fowl, 1 , Eoin ColferArtemis Fowl is a series of eight science fiction fantasy novels written by Irish author Eoin Colfer.Artemis Fowl is the first book in the Artemis Fowl series It follows the adventures of Artemis Fowl, a twelve year old criminal mastermind, as he kidnaps a fairy for a large ransom of 24 carat gold with the help of his bodyguard, Domovoi Butler and his sister, Juliet Butler, to restore the Fowl family fortune After multiple attempts by the LEP Lower Elements Police fairy police, including sending a dwarf called Mulch Diggums, it concludes with Artemis finally releasing Holly Short, the elf fairy, whom he kidnapped, and having his mother cured of madness in exchange for half of the gold that he had stolen from the fairies Also, the kleptomaniac dwarf Mulch Diggums, erroneously presumed dead, has taken some of the returned half of the gold and escapes to the U.S 1 Artemis Fowl2 The Arctic Incident3 The Eternity Code4 The Opal Deception5 The Lost Colony6 The Time Paradox7 The Atlantis Complex8 The Last Guardian 2006 1 1382 454 1385 1386 1387 1389 1391 1392 9789643690847 21 1 1385 9648557020 99c Kindle sale, Oct 11, 2018 A solid, amusing start to this YA fantasy series, about a twelve year old millionaire evil genius Okay, he s not really evil, but he is into criminal heists, especially since the family wealth is gone, his father has disappeared, and his mother is mentally ill, out of touch with reality So Artemis, having used his brilliant mind to figure out that fairies are real, decides to restore the family fortune by kidnapping a fairy and holding him or her for for ransom Fairy gold, that s the ticket Now Artemis and his assistants are up against the military and police forces of faerie The resulting conflicts are both funny and tension filled It s kind of like Mission Impossible with a magical element and a hidden society of magical folk Recommended I ve read the first four books got them in a paperback set and enjoyed all of them. From the get go it appears Artemis Fowl is going to be about Artemis Fowl, a criminal boy genius with Sherlock Holmes like powers of deduction, but then bomb squad esque faeries take over the story and we end up spending just as much time, if not , reading about them That s fine since they re interesting and their story moves with a good dash of fun and excitement This is another of those books with a redeemable bad guy protagonist We shouldn t, but we do root for him, at least in some way, shape or form In the natural or typical way of things, that would mean the antagonists are good guys, who we re hoping won t succeed, at least not 100% I haven t tired of this formula just yet, plus Colfer has handled it well and crafted a fast, short read that doesn t give you much downtime to reflect on any potential faults.I found this book to be very similar to Jonathan Stroud s The Amulet of Samarkand with its snarky protagonist, its magic in a modern setting, its fantastical creatures and its infusion of light hearted comedy Things slowing down due to necessary exposition Throw in a fart joke.You can tell Colfer did a bit of research into mythology and magical beings, as we see some creature attributes from the old traditions For instance, I like his portrayal of a burrowing dwarf.He also had fun with meshing the modern aspects with these old notions, technology with mythology I ve not always been a big fan of that genre parts of the Ralph Bakshi movie Wizards annoyed me the first time I saw it , but Colfer balances and blends the two together pretty well, almost seamlessly Rating Note This was such a strong 4 that I decided to go with 5 stars. A 81% Very Good NotesIronically, it s the supernatural characters that follow familiar archetypes, while the humans are strange and atypical. I had heard some mothers in a bookstore talking about Artemis Fowl and how good it was, so I finally gave in and bought the first book Summary Artemis Fowl is a child genius billionaire criminal mastermind who has discovered that fairies and the like are real and is seeking to exploit them He does this by kidnapping a LEPrecon for Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance The Lower Elements live underground, having been driven there by the Mud People or humans I decided that the book was not good in the first few pages The writing is not up to par Some of the dialogue seems like it came from two six year olds arguing about whose laser gun was better, when in fact all they have are cheap squirt guns A child s imagination is an amazing thing, but the words they use to describe their imagination is quite another In addition to the bad writing and dialogue, the plot is also poorly structured But what makes me really angry about this book is the attempt to brainwash kids through literature I am not opposed to teaching children morals and values through stories, in fact that is the way it has been done for centuries, but this book goes above and beyond what is acceptable The author, Eoin Colfer, is trying to teach children to take care of the environment by contrasting fairy society with human society However, in attempting this, he shows his repulsion of not just pollution but of the whole human race Keep in mind that Mud People is the Fairy term for human being, which seems to be a slur in and of itself Let me share some passages with you If the Mud People knew about leprechauns they d probably take steps to stamp them out Pg 33 Mud People bred like rodents Pg 50 The Mud People destroyed everything they came in contact with Pg 50 The only good thing about going to the toilet was the minerals being returned to the earth, but the Mud People had even managed to botch that up by treating the stuff with bottles of blue chemicals Pg 50 She could see the pollution in the dolphins , bleaching their skin white and giving them red sores on their backs And although she smiled, her heart was breaking Mud People had a lot to answer for Pg 68 The smell of death and pain lingered in the blood swabbed decks Many noble creatures had died here, died and been dissected for a few bars of soap and some heating oil Humans were such barbarians Pg 105 The Mud People had greased the hinges of the whaling boat with whale blubber Was there no end to their depravity Pg 106 Mud People have been stealing from us for millennia Why do you think we live underground Pg 120 unless the Mud People had learned to coexist with other species And if history had taught any lessons it was that humans couldn t get along with anyone, even themselves Pg 125 I d say there was some human blood in you In describing a fairy who was a little trigger happy Then later, he apologized because, it had been a deeply offensive insult Pg 128 No one built weapons of cruelty like the Mud Men Pg 265 Sorry, there were quite a few It just makes me angry to see someone be this repulsed by their own species I recognize that the types of humans described in the above passages do in fact exist, but not all humans are like that, and we are getting better But you know what I would like to do now, I would like to debate Mr Colfer s accusations on humanity using the fairy world he created for her book First of all, let me share with you the basic history of human fairy relations, according to Colfer Fairies apparently descended from Pterodactyls, and lived peacefully on earth for many millennia until the humans evolved The fairies called these humans, Mud People, because they lived in the mud The humans apparently could not help but try and kill the fairies Instead of fighting, the fairies withdrew underground, and it is there that they have lived for many centuries Going deeper and deeper as we humans mine and The fairies only return to the surface to replenish their magic Now, answer me this, if you care about something, would you fight for it or would you hide I would fight for it, and it seems that the fairies would too That is the basis for the plot of the book, but for some reason, the fairy race has decided to hide, while these cruel humans destroy the earth that they care about so much But who even says that we would have to fight All we know is that they are not fighting So, we can t change that These fairies complain about our destruction and pollution of earth However, the main fairy in the book at one point uses wings they strap onto their backs that are gasoline powered Now granted, they were an old pair of wings, all the newer wings are solar powered, but the fact that they had at one point used gasoline, and are still using gasoline in older modeled wings, seems to indicate that they are partially responsible for the pollution on earth, and only switched to solar recently The main fairy also complains about the human s sewage treatment I would like to know what the fairies would propose that we do with our sewage besides treating it We create so much that the earth cannot biodegrade it quickly enough to keep disease from breeding in it Now, if we had the magic power to heal, like the fairies, then maybe we could just let it return to earth naturally, but the fairies have taken the magic away from us They will not share And one thing, the author says that no one builds weapons of cruelty like the humans, yet, throughout the book, Colfer describes fairy weapons like a Neutrino 2000 which is a platinum nuclear handgun that has three settings, scorched, well done, and crisped to a cinder , and not only that but the gun will continue to work for well over a thousand years, so not only can you use it to kill many things, but should you die or lose it, it will continue to work in the hands of others for a millenium But the worst weapon the fairies have invented is a Blue Rinse , which is a biological bomb that destroys only living tissue, leaving the landscape unchanged Can you imagine All the benefits of Hiroshima, without all the bad side effects like destroying a city And what s worse is that while we have used the nuclear bomb only twice, the fairies use the blue rinse on rare occasions That sounds a lot frequent than twice I don t know about you, but it sounds like the fairies are just as capable as humans in the production of weapons of cruelty But you know what, that argument is stupid There are no fairies with magic powers, despite the numerous books available that would suggest otherwise, and if they do exist, they have decided not to help us So, it is up to us humans to work things out on our own, and while there have been some bad things in our past, what matters now is our present, and what we do from here on out, and I would like to say that in spite of it all, we are doing a pretty good job Humans are good creatures, created in the image of God We are imperfect, but on the whole, we are all striving for perfection every day And that is all I have to say about that.